A Collection of Jokes about Love, Passion and Money

by

Bela Feketekuty

Real Estate

An inexperienced real-estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the empty lot he had bought was under water.
   "What kind of salesman are you?" the boss scolded. "Get out there and sell him a boat."

Love, passion, money

A husband and wife drove for miles in silence after a terrible argument in which neither would budge. The husband pointed to a mule in a pasture.
   "Relative of yours?" he asked.
   "Yes," she replied. "By marriage."

A little girl asked her mother for two dollars to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.
"There you are my dear," said the mother. "I guess, she is too old to work?"
"Oh no," came the reply. "She sells ice cream."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
   "What took you so long to answer?"
   "I was in bed."
   "What were you doing in bed this late?"
   "Getting a second opinion."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

She answered the phone to hear a repentant voice. "I'm sorry, darling," he said. "I have thought things over and you can have the Rolls-Royce as a wedding present, we will move to the Gold Coast, and your mother can stay with us. Now will you marry me?"
   "Of course I will," she said. "And who is this speaking?"

A salesman was in Los Angeles on business, so he called a friend of his on the phone. Somehow the cat answered the phone.
"Me-ow!"
"What did you say? I didn't understand you."
"Mee-OW!"
"I'm sorry," the man repeated, "but I just can't tell what you are saying."
Again, "MEE-OOOW!!"
The salesman got angry and swore into the phone, "Oh, screw you!"
Came the reply, "Your fence or mine?"

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"
   "Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner almost every night."
   "That's nice," said the woman. "What about your son?"
   "I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!"

An old lady who never married specified in her will that her tombstone say, "Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin." That was too many words to put on the stone so they just wrote, "Returned unopened."

I decided to try the game of golf and was hooked up with a couple of guys who appeared to be friends.
We were following two ladies who talked more and played less, slowing everyone behind them down to a crawl.
Bob, one of our party, couldn't take it any more.
"I'm going up to the green and tell them to putt or get off the grass and let us play through."
He stormed off to the green; then all of a sudden he stopped half-way there, turned and came back.
"What's the matter, Bob?" his partner asked. "Why didn't you tell them to let us play through?"
"I can't," said Bob. "One of those ladies is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
"That won't stop me," said Rick. "I'll go up and tell them to move it on."
So off he went as Bob and we took our time teeing up.
Halfway to the green, Rick stopped and came back, head lowered.
"Why did you stop? Why didn't you tell them to move on?" Bob asked.
Rick grinned sheepishly. "Small world, isn't it?"

A middle aged wife asked her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?"
"Yes, I would," her husband answered
"And would you let her come into my house?" the wife demanded to know.
Yes."
"Would she sleep in our bed?" the wife asked in a jealous tone.
"Probably, yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?" the wife asked.
"Definitely not," her husband answered.
"Oh, why not?"
"Because she's left-handed," her husband answered.

Mother to daughter: "What kind of a person is your new friend? Is he respectable?"
"Of course he is, Mom. He's thirty, doesn't drink, smoke or gamble, owns his own business, works out in the gym three times a week"
"That's great!", the mother excitingly interrupted her daughter.
"And he has a steady wife and two well-behaved children."

A 70 year old billionaire had just married a beautiful 20 year old.
   "You crafty old codger," said his friend.   "How did you get such a lovely young wife?"
    "Easy," the billionaire replied. "I told her I was 95."

Joe and his buddy Frank visit a brothel. Joe goes into the room with the prostitute first while Frank waits outside. When he's done, Joe closes the door behind him and says, "Don't waste your time, man. My wife's better."
But Frank goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says, "Damn, Joe, you were right. Your wife is better."

A woman came home shouting, "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery."
The boyfriend yelled, "That's great! Are we going to the Caribbeans, or French Riviera?
The young lady remarked, "I don't care. Just get the hell out of here!"

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

I was just in London -- there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

A young lady came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, "Mark proposed to me an hour ago."
   "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
   "Because he also told he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell!"
    Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Professor to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"
"Yes, sir!" I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another."
"And how would that help the umemployment rate?" asked the teacher shaking his head.
   "All the men will start building boats to get to the island where the ladies are."

Practical tips

"Two drivers climb out of their cars after colliding at an intersection. One pulls a flask from his pocket and says, "Here, have a nip of whiskey to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," says the other driver, taking a sip. "Here, you have one, too."
"No, I'd rather not — the police will be here soon."

IT

Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None because it is a hardware problem.

Business

A junior partner in an accounting firm called his staff in for a meeting. "I have good news and bad news," he said, grinning. "Which do you want first?" The staff reluctantly agreed that they'd better get the bad news first. "Okay," said the junior partner. "we are going to downsize. Half of you won't be here tomorrow. And the other half may stay at a substantial reduction in salary."
The staff froze in shock. Finally, one employee asked in a trembling voice, "What's the good news?"
The boss beamed. "I've been made a full partner!"

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. We are all looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."
The lawyer is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.
"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your billing hours!"

"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes."
"How much do you charge?"
"Three hundred dollors for four questions."
"Isn't that awfully expensive?"
"Yes. What's your fourth question?"

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me? I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts? Can you help me, doctor?"
"Sure. You've broken your finger."

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

Questions and Answers

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.

Contract Issue

Here are the facts: A happily married couple who had 4 children were quite visible in the community due to the size of their family Their neighbor was a married couple who were unable to conceive any children. Finally, the husband of the childless couple convinced his wife to be impregnated with the sperm of the man who looked strong and had 4 healthy children. He also paid $30,000 to the man with the 4 healthy children. However, the wife of the childless couple did not become pregnant. After considerable pressue, the father with the 4 children went to see a doctor who determined that he was sterile. A second doctor confrimed the results. After considerable questions and pressure from everybody, the mother of the 4 children admitted that each child had a different father and she doesn't really know who the fathers are because she was very active on her job. The man from the childless couple wanted his money back, but the man with the 4 children refused.

Law Suit -- The husband with no children sued because the man with the 4 children did deliver the pregancy.

Questions -- Was the oral contract based on results or is it enough to attempt to deliver the result -- a pregnancy? Should the wife with the 4 children be sued for deceiving her husband and her neighbor about her four children? Does it change anything if it turns out that the wife of the childless couple is sterile. How should the court rule?

Please note --These jokes were found on the Internet